Coming out of the closet and staying in the house

I have been inching out of the closet for a long time now. I came out to my wife in a moment of crisis eight years ago, and her loving support and empathy were amazing. I think we both thought at the time that simply removing that secret from between us would strengthen our relationship and everything would be fine. We settled back into our life together with little change. But as time went on I began to realize that I needed to do more. As I became more anxious and my low moods more frequent, my wife saw the connection and urged me to see a therapist. Typically, I procrastinated, but finally last December, my wife gave me the name of a therapist recommended by her counsellor, and I made an appointment.

Although I had already begun the process of shedding the sense of shame I had been carrying so long, the experience of talking freely with the therapist, a gay man himself, was incredibly liberating. At the first session, he asked me where I wanted to go with the therapy — what my goal was — and I realized that I didn’t know. I said at this stage what I needed most was to have the opportunity to talk, to share my thoughts and experiences. I explained that I felt fully committed to my marriage and that this was about my inner journey of accepting myself.

Suddenly, I started allowing myself to explore a part of me that I had severely repressed for over twenty years. I began devouring gay-themed literature, discovering E.M. Forster, Gore Vidal, James Baldwin, Jamie O’Neill, Christopher Bram and Shyam Selvadurai. Soon I felt an irrepressible urge to come out to my close friends. I started with a couple my wife and I have been very close to since we were first married. Their response was overwhelmingly supportive, and they showed great insight into what I have experienced. Since then, I have come out to two other couples who have also shown tremendous acceptance, love and generosity. The fact that this has come from members of my generally conservative religious community has been especially gratifying. What was also important about this experience was that I was able to express to all these friends my acceptance of myself as a gay man – that not only am I unable to become something else, but that I see no need to.

I’m under no illusion that I have completed this process. I know my self-acceptance is fragile and I need the constant reinforcement provided by those who are close to me.

Strangely, though, in parallel with the sense of exhilaration I have felt as I have begun to be freed from the burdens of guilt, shame and self-doubt, I have also felt an increasing sense of isolation and loneliness. For various reasons, I have been reluctant to find opportunities to meet other gay men. Yet my need to do so is like a lead weight on my chest. This feels like another barrier — another closet door.

When most gay men come out of the closet, they are making a statement not only about who they are, but also about who they love and how they live. For me, though, it’s really just about what goes on in my head. And that seems somehow less significant and more private — not the sort of thing you share with most people.

So, is it possible to come out of the closet and stay in the house? I think so, but I’m still trying to work out how.