Worlds in collision
Yet again I’ve allowed a number of weeks to pass without posting anything. There’s been a lot happening in my life, but I don’t seem to have had (or taken) the time to digest it all, much less write about it.
As I look back over the past year, it’s a little overwhelming to contemplate how much things have changed for me. Twelve months ago I was contemplating with great trepidation the possibility of talking with one or two close friends about my sexuality and the challenges I had faced as a result of it. I was starting to have some sense that I could be loved and accepted by God as a gay man (although I wouldn’t have put it that way), and as a result, I was feeling more alienated than ever from my church. Apart from my therapist, I didn’t know a single gay person. Now, I am out to most of my friends and family; I have embarked on a spiritual journey toward something I can wholeheartedly and honestly embrace and believe in; and I have begun to meet and make friends with other gay men and women.
One of my favourite blogs is Two World Collision. Eric’s postings are always thoughtful and thought-provoking, and they often resonate very strongly with me. He has a wonderful way of drawing his readers in with his generous openness and honesty. And he links to a rich range of sites that run the gamut of views and experiences. Eric’s two worlds are his Christian faith and his sexuality. When he began his blog, he was trying to come to his own understanding as to how — or even whether — they could be reconciled. Now, a year and half later, he seems to be much more at peace with these two parts of his identity.
I am experiencing my own two-world collision, but it’s different from Eric’s. Although there are many aspects of my faith that I am reevaluating and questioning, I have no doubt about the compatibility of my sexual identity with my relationship with God. My colliding worlds are my sexuality and my marriage.
During my journey over the past year, my wife has given me unwaivering support and encouragement. She has comforted me when I’ve been down, listened when I needed to talk, always been ready to come to my defence, and shown more understanding than I could have imagined possible. And she has shared her own feelings with me. In many ways, we are closer and our relationship is stronger now than ever before. Yet paradoxically, the more she has helped and encouraged me to embrace my true identity, the more problematic our relationship has become.
Obviously, this is nothing new; in fact, my first posting written last April addresses the same question. So I suppose, along with all the change, some things have remained the same… or rather intensified. As we begin a new year, I pray that over the coming months we will be able to find a path that allows both of us, and our children, to thrive and grow as human beings and children of God.