Fatherhood
My daughter will soon be twelve and she too seems far too grown up, trading clothes with my wife and monopolizing the telephone to chat with her friends.
Today I’ve been contemplating what a blessing fatherhood has been. Each of my children has enriched my life in so many unique ways. They could not be more different from each other, and if ever I thought there was a single right way to raise a child, I quickly learned from them that there are as many right ways as there are children. I was fortunate enough to have the opportunity to spend a lot of time with both of them from the time they were babies. I have been able to watch them grow and take delight in each new discovery and accomplishment, and share in the frustrations and pain as well.
Even though they are so different, my son and daughter are remarkable mirrors of both their parents in various ways. This helps us understand each other, but can also be rather unsettling when we see our own faults and foibles reflected back at us. Sometimes as I take them to task, I feel as if I’m talking as much to myself as I am to them.
When my son was three, I shaved off my beard for the first time since before he was born. For quite some time, he refused to acknowledge me, and insisted to my wife, “That’s not Papa.” Finally, he agreed to compromise and refer to me as “Papa-without-a-beard”.
I couldn’t help but wonder, as we marked my son’s birthday, what our relationship will be like this time next year. My wife and I agree that it’s important for me to let our children know their dad is gay, and that it will be easier for them if we let them know sooner rather than later. I feel quite confident that they will take this revelation in their stride and that it will help them grow and strengthen our relationship. But naturally, there are nagging worries. Will they see me differently? Will I be forcing them to carry an extra burden they shouldn’t have to bear?
posted by Aaron at 12:25 AM
4 Comments:
Aaron:
As you can perhaps imagine, I find myself asking the same question. Now that my coming out and our separation are decided, it's only a question of how and when.
Nothing but sorrow ahead in any case. Our middle child is the one I worry about.
I wish you all the best.
Yr
Troll
Aaron, the truth is what sets us free. It will, I imagine, be tough for them. But we are as sick as our secrets. And you will all be healthier for it.
I say this as a man in a situation similar to yours. And I have not yet told my two girls (14 and 17). I am in such a sensitive kind of profession that word will get out. That might mean the swift end of a lot. And, for me to tell them and not allow them to tell ANYONE might be asking too much. No where to go, no one with whom to process that information.
I believe sooner is better than later. And I don't know when it should be. Prayers for you and yours go up.
Cheers, Joe.
Aaron:
the question is not so much what to tell your children as WHEN.
That is something only their parents can know. We are past that, as ours are all "grown up", but the worry about what they will make of it remains. Especially for one of them.
Just do the best you can -- and if possible, WITH your wife.
YrTroll
I've watched my brother and sister raise their children. And I wonder if I'll ever be fortunate enough to have my own.
Since you've been such a model father, I'm sure that whatever you choose to tell them, will be like the time you shaved off your beard--it will just take some getting use to, but you will still be Papa..
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